As Catholics, we know that we are made in the image and likeness of God. Our sexuality is an integral part of who we are, formed and loved by God before we were born. Childhood sexual abuse, then, is a traumatic wound that can cut to the heart of a person’s sense of safety, identity and relationships with others. Most sexual abuse of children and vulnerable adults is perpetrated by someone known to the person.
Abuse by a member of the clergy is perhaps even more damaging because it was someone standing in persona Christi, representing Jesus himself and charged with bringing him into the world. Trauma like this carries with it physical and emotional scars, as well as deep spiritual wounds of moral injury, or the deep sense of the evil that has been done.
The stories that follow are personal accounts from two survivors of priest sexual abuse that occurred in the ’70s and ’80s. The Diocese of Gaylord expresses profound gratitude to the survivors who have chosen to share their stories in Faith magazine. Their names are changed, and other identifying information has been left out to protect their privacy. Although specific details are not shared, these stories are powerful but can be distressing.
The Trauma
“He had my silence; I was too ashamed to tell anyone, and it was too dirty to talk about. I saw it as a reflection of who I was.” - Mary
Mary’s Story:
…I grew up in a much simpler time when sex and sexuality were not discussed openly. Consequently, who do you talk to about personal dating questions without being embarrassed, and feeling extremely foolish?
An opportunity arose to speak with my parish pastor. You can talk to a priest about anything, right? I believed that priests were exceptional — holy, chosen by God and therefore they could be trusted above all else...During our discussion, he served me a drink, and asked if I dated. I felt it was OK to tell him about the date I had been on. In my immaturity, I thought he was being a friend and that we were just talking. I could trust him, after all he was a priest…I didn’t think anything was wrong with this, other than that he was being very kind. I was so blind, so inexperienced and so immature, I never saw what was happening.
...I was confused and I was frozen in time. I could not speak, and I could not react. Somewhere inside of me I found my voice…and told him to stop. He did, but said he thought we were going to be something special to each other. I just wanted to run. He said if I told anyone about this episode that I would never be believed, and I would be seen as a fool. He was a priest, respected in the community and with many friends, and no one would believe me.
I think I was in shock, because I was cold and clammy, and my legs felt like I would collapse…It took forever to get home. I felt like my body and my mind were disconnected.
When I got home, I took a long shower just trying to wash away what I was feeling and got ready for bed...When I got into bed, I felt like I was laying on cement. I couldn’t sleep and if I did doze off, I woke frequently. I kept saying, ‘This isn’t real, it didn’t happen.’…I doubted myself and kept trying to validate that I wasn’t crazy or that I had imagined the whole episode. I felt cold and numb, and I kept crying. His words about not telling anyone kept repeating in my head like a tape recorder that was stuck. In the morning I got up, went to work and pretended that nothing happened. But it had, and I was different.
I tried to go through the week as though everything was the same. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know how stupid I felt, and I believed that I was the problem. I kept saying, I shouldn’t have let this happen.
I should also say that as a young adult, I was very involved with the Church...and attended Mass frequently. I always had a close affinity for the Church and wanted to be involved. A week after the event, I went to the Lenten series again. I couldn’t just drop out; people would know something was wrong. Somewhere throughout the evening, I felt I needed to confront this priest. When I did, I said that he had no right to touch me or talk to me the way he did. His only response was, he laughed and [made an abusive comment]. I promptly left. I took with me my shame, my guilt, my embarrassment and my brokenness. He had my silence. I was too ashamed to tell anyone, and it was too dirty to talk about. I saw it as a reflection of who I was.
Over the coming months, he would make comments to me about coming over to see him, would put his arm around me and was very haughty. My response was always the same, I will never be back and take your hands off me. He then became somewhat confrontational in front of others, and people started to notice the tension. It was then that I left the parish. People would ask why, to which I responded that I just needed a change.
I was so ashamed that I buried it for years after that. As the years went on, I did tell a few others who had become very close friends. I was so angry and had become bitter and there were occasions when my anger spilled over. I resented the priest and when people spoke of him in complimentary ways, I would say to myself, ‘If you only knew him.’
About 30 years later, I wrote an anonymous letter to the diocese in support of another girl who was reporting a similar incident with the same priest. A friend I had confided in asked me to support her and to talk to them about my experience. I said the very best I could do would be to write a letter of support anonymously. I was still too ashamed to be identified. The diocese wanted to know who I was and encouraged my friend, who had asked me to write the letter, to come forward. After prayer and consultation with (another) priest, who was a friend and someone I had come to trust, I made myself known…It was then that healing began. I was surprised that I had so much anger and rage buried inside. It frightened me.
George’s Story:
George shared how he was abused 35 years ago as a young man by a priest of another diocese while working in a different state.
Without my faith, this would have been difficult to deal with. Later, after my memories resurfaced, I reported the matter to that diocese only to find that the priest had been moved among different dioceses. I received some help but I did not get the pastoral support I needed at that time. That was hurtful to me…it left a wound open and that is still a hurtful moment. I am hopeful though. My healing is still a struggle, but I’m going in the right direction with therapy and a strong faith life.
The Scars
“Trauma prints a mark on your heart and soul that cannot be erased.” - Mary
Mary: I have come a long way on this journey. The healing began with the event being exposed. Healing also has come through much prayer and intimacy with our Lord. I have had the assurance of many that it was not my fault. I came to realize that for years, I confessed a sin that was not mine and I had developed self-contempt and self-hatred that would not go away. I could not forgive myself and hated my simplicity and immaturity. I remember a priest asking me in confession, “What have you done that was so bad?” I couldn’t tell him, and I got out of the confessional quickly. The shame I felt was overpowering…I thought (the new priest friend) would think poorly of me, and I valued his respect. The problem was I couldn’t find the courage to respect myself.
It is still very painful when I hear of abuse situations. Situations cause flashbacks, and it does not take much to put me back in that room…I can still remember what I was wearing, and recalling dialogue, the way the room looked and how I felt. Sometimes, I still have to talk to someone to help me keep on the healing side of things. Trauma prints a mark on your heart and soul that cannot be erased. No matter how much you recover, you cannot get back what was lost, and you never forget. I have learned to forgive, and I have learned and accepted that all of us are broken in some way. When you start to accept brokenness as a part of our humanity, it becomes easier to forgive and you can live with the memories.
The Healing Journey
“God and Jesus didn't do this to me. A priest who chose to do the wrong thing did this to me.” - George
Mary: I have always had the true gift of faith. I owe that to my family of origin. We were not overly religious, but sacraments were important and celebrated. I was blessed with Catholic education, a family that went to church, and parents who prayed and valued the Church. As a teenager, I wanted to go to church, and I learned the value of prayer.
During this part of my journey, I have developed a powerful and meaningful prayer life, and an intense relationship with our Lord. I have learned to pray for the priest who victimized me by name, and I remember to pray for the repose of his soul since his passing. I do not know if he ever made peace with himself and the Church after he was separated from ministry, but he has my prayers. I recognize him as a flawed human being. I have also come to understand that no matter how flawed we are, that we are children of a loving Father and that we can never be separated from his love unless we choose to do so. My strength is rooted in our Lord and without his love I never would have stopped hating myself and this priest, and my anger would still be consuming me.
I don’t know why I had this experience, but I was once told that if you can draw anything good out of a painful situation then it wasn’t all bad. I have learned to be more compassionate because I experienced compassion after I shared my story. I learned to forgive because I was forgiven. I learned to be more transparent, because people who heard my story didn’t walk away or treat me like I was unlovable. My faith helped me because I was given the grace to keep going. My faith and the Lord’s love and grace helped me to let go of my anger, which in many ways had become a shield.
George: If I was somebody who didn't have a strong faith and didn't have the values I have for the Church and wasn't going to Mass every Sunday, I think I might have walked away from the Church…Because I have faith, it lets me know the difference. God gave us all our own will. God gave this priest his own will and he took it in the wrong direction. God and Jesus didn't do this to me. A priest who chose to do the wrong thing did this to me… love the Catholic Church, and I don't want to leave the Catholic Church.
Church’s Assistance
“The Church’s transparency has paved the way for healing.” - Mary
Mary: The Church is a community, and we draw support from those around us. When I was able to talk about this, I was able to experience love and support. I was drawn out of my own self-imposed prison, and I was able to admit the pain and shame that I was buried in. I was free to love and be loved. I was able to put myself in God’s loving and merciful hands. I was able to receive prayer and I was able to be ministered to. That was a gift. The Church’s transparency has paved the way for healing. Secrecy and living with shadows of abuse and fear of being discovered are paralyzing. Being able to be open and being able to stop hiding provides relief.
I believe that transparency and willingness to be open to the fact that these things happened is a huge step. The one thing that I believe was a mistake was making cash settlements to victims. You cannot buy back what was lost. You must grieve for what you can never have back. If there are court costs, pay them. If there is a need for counseling, provide it. And it would be very helpful for victims to have an opportunity for spiritual direction. Spiritual direction helps to restore trust.
Abuse by a priest causes more than physical and emotional trauma. It messes with your spirituality and causes you to question your ability to be loved by God himself. For a very long time, I felt that I was the one mistake God had made. There were times I did not want to live. Having support of clergy and sisters, who were genuine friends, helped me to see that I wasn’t a mistake. I could separate the evil action from the broken people that I and this priest were because of a variety of life circumstances.
George: After seeing information on the Diocese of Gaylord’s assistance process, I decided to contact the victim assistance coordinator, I wanted assurance and pastoral support. I wanted help to feel more comfortable going to Mass and other church activities. This led to a meeting with Bishop Walsh. Locally, I want to give credit to what the victim assistance coordinator has done and what Bishop Walsh has done…. It was a big help when he met with me. I wholeheartedly can tell you that I think the Diocese of Gaylord is taking the right steps.
Forgiveness
“I cling to God for security, and I know I am loved.” - Mary
Mary: I have made a great deal of progress on my journey. I will always have the scar on my heart, but when things cause the wound to bleed, I know now to ask for support. God’s grace has put those people in my life to guide me and support me and that is a gift. I have a God who is with me always. I choose to walk closely with him and when I need support, he shows me where to find it. Situations that re-awaken the pain will likely be with me forever. But God has given me tools to use that bring me comfort. He has given me his unconditional love and has given me a family of believers to accompany me on my journey. Learning about myself and having my eyes opened to others has been a blessing, and my faith has grown in wonderful ways. God’s grace is alive and well and I am better because of his grace.
There are many wonderful, faith-filled priests who love the Lord and truly share the Gospel message. For a long time, I lumped them all together and thought they were all dangerous and I wondered how God could possibly call them to priesthood.
This experience is part of the fabric of my life. It is not my whole life. I recognize how the memories affect me. I am not afraid to talk about the memories and the pain they cause because it gives me the opportunity to heal further, and it validates the reality of a very sad chapter of my life. This chapter no longer consumes me because God, my rock and savior, had set me free. I cling to God for security, and I know I am loved. I am not a mistake, although I am very good at making mistakes. When I do, God, gently and lovingly, calls me back. I get my reassurance from this loving God. No matter what happens in this life, no one can ever have my faith and my relationship with the Lord, because everything is rooted in him. It is he who gives me purpose, strength and courage to face each day and it challenges me to grow.
